Emotional intelligence is an array of noncognitive capabilities, competencies, and skills that influence one’s ability to succeed in coping with environmental demands and pressures.” Reuven Bar-On

As parents we all want our children to thrive and do well; not only in sports and academics, but in life as a whole. We dream about raising the next Margerate Thatcher or Albert Einstein and wish only the world for our little bundles of joy. In the months before our little ones are born we imagine all the ways in which we will nurture and nourish and mold and sculpt our little people into the best little people they can be. Most of us will visualize doing this through sending our little ones to the best stimulation play groups, and then the best junior and senior schools we can afford.

We believe that encouraging physical and mental development will, not only foster emotional intelligence and self-confidence, but also help turn our children into the best possible version of themselves. The truth is that, while all this seems pretty selfevident and simple, recent studies have suggested that the task of raising bright, self-confident children is not as simple as merely providing stimulation and giving praise. In fact many of the old ‘truths’ (or shall we say ‘myths’) about raising children have been thrown out in favor of new insights regarding the development of emotionally healthy children. The focus has shifted from providing the best educational toys and learning DVD’s to focusing on the relationship between parent and child, as well as the importance of parenting and fostering a sense of security and confidence.

Consequently, the task of raising bright children is far more complex and involves, not only goal directed stimulation of the developing mind, but also the development of emotional intelligence and self-esteem. In fact studies have shown a strong correlation between poor school performance, difficult behavior and low self-esteem – suggesting that increased confidence is directly linked to better performance. Well, it makes sense; a confident and secure child is a happy child and happy children always do better! So what makes a bright and self-confident child? There are a range of factors that contribute, but most importantly: a safe and predictable upbringing, a secure attachment with parents and good self-esteem is what makes a bright and confident child. The following tips are designed to help parents provide their kids with the best possible context to thrive and grow into confident and bright children.

Self-esteem is the real magic wand that can form a child’s future. A child’s self-esteem affects every area of his existence, from friends he chooses, to how well he does academically in school, to what kind of job he gets, to even the person he chooses to marry. STEPHANIE MARTSON, The Magic of Encouragement

12.1 Give Your Child the Gift of Self-Esteem

The greatest gift a parent can ever give their child is the gift of self-esteem – The knowledge that he or she has the power to have whatever their heart desires, that they are loveable, good enough and capable enough to conquer the world – this is what contributes most to a bright and confident child.

After all, children who are positive about themselves and their abilities turn into happy and successful adults with satisfying and healthy relationships. It is a common experience that our performance improves when we believe in ourselves and feel good about our achievements, so it follows that a healthy self-esteem and belief in oneself leads to more satisfying relationships and successful endeavors.

Moreover, research shows that healthy self-esteem is directly linked to increased IQ scores when compared to children with low self-esteem, and, as stated, lower selfesteem has been linked to poor school performance and difficult behavior. So it’s clear that self-esteem is a key factor in the development of a happy and bright child.

But just what is self-esteem and how is it “created”? We all understand high selfesteem to be linked to positive feelings about oneself and ones abilities, but just how is this developed in a child? As your baby grows up (and we all know how fast that happens), those early interactions of smiling and gurgling and chatting to your baby will soon give way to him testing the boundaries, exploring his environment, demanding independence and generally testing your patience. That unique little personality soon begins to shine through not long after the new born phase is over and parents suddenly begin to realize that this little one is entirely their own person. This is where parenting can get real messy and where the gifting your child with selfesteem begins.

The old ideas of simply praising your kids and sending them to good schools have been thrown out and emphasis is now put on providing unconditional love, actively responding to your child and having meaningful conversations, building trust through attentiveness and positive attachment, helping your child to gain confidence in tasks and, finally, providing clear, firm and consistent boundaries.

12.2 Give unconditional love

Unconditional love is a term that is only really understood when one becomes a parent – it’s the selfless kind of love that says “I love you for you – no strings attached” and it’s a love that goes beyond what the child does or says. Unconditional love is one of the most important factors in developing self-esteem and confidence because your child learns through your love that he is accepted completely – despite the mistakes he makes, the difficulties he faces, his moods and temperament and abilities or dis-abilities. A child learns to love himself because his parents loved him, unconditionally.



So, don’t be afraid to show your child just how much you love him. Tell him every chance you get (without it being over the top or insincere), give him lots of cuddles and affection and show him in your everyday action just how much he means to you. Of course this is not the only way in which unconditional love is communicated – remember we want our children to feel loved regardless of their flaws.

This means communicating acceptance and love even when you are irritated or angry. Basically it means ensuring that your child knows that he is still loved and accepted when he makes a mistake. This is a really important point to keep in mind as it is often so easy to withdraw affection when we are trying to ‘punish’ our children and it is the biggest mistake we can make. Punishment should never, ever mean the withdrawal of acceptance and love and this is the true meaning of unconditional love - “I love you even though you angered me today!”

 Little people are full of surprises and will test the boundaries (and the strength of your nerves) as they explore the world around them. Of course we want them to succeed at everything they do, but the reality is that they will make mistakes and blunders and probably not be 100% perfect all of the time. A child that feels that love and acceptance is only forthcoming when he is doing well, or being good, is a child whose self-esteem is hinged on his achievements only, and not in self-belief and acceptance, the way it should be. We don’t want this for our children.

● We want a child who is not afraid to try again, despite the failure that came before.

● We want a child that believes he can do it even though he made a mistake before.

● We want a child that feels competent and likes himself no matter his strengths or limitations. And this is predominantly achieved through unconditional love from parents. So the next time little Jake does something he shouldn’t, take note of how you communicate your disapproval and always ensure that you communicate your love through your disapproval.

12.3 Respond promptly when your baby cries

From the earliest days with your newborn baby it is important to soothe, nurture, cuddle, and reassure him. Talking to him, calming him and generally providing a feeling of safety and comfort stimulates the limbic area of the brain – the part of the brain that is related to emotions. Basically, meeting your baby’s emotional needs, in essence, signals emotional security to the brain and helps build positive brain circuitry. Feeling safe is one of the most important contributors to optimal learning and development. It is only when our basic needs have been met that our brains are able to sit back and say” ok, everything is fine, lets relax and learn”.

If your child is not feeling safe and secure, then the brain and limbic system will be in a state of anxiety and this does not allow the brain to just relax and soak in the information. So it is really important for this positive brain circuitry and sense of safety to be established if you want your child to grow up feeling confident and able to learn.

Just how do we cultivate this sense of security? There has always been a belief that bending to your child’s every whim would result in a child that ‘turns into a brat’, or that picking your baby up every time he cries results in a baby that is needy and ‘wimpish’. These beliefs have been turned inside out with new insights into attachment parenting and emotional development of children. In fact, new insights suggest that meeting your child’s needs regularly and consistently sends positive messages back to brain and limbic system that says “the world is safe and predictable – let’s relax and learn”.



A baby or child that is left to cry and has parents who ignore his needs will not feel safe and secure. In fact he will probably feel quite anxious about his environment and might tend to become more clingy and ‘needy’. A child’s whose needs are being met consistently and regularly is also one who is able to form a secure attachment with his parents and secure attachments have been closely linked to increased selfconfidence and esteem.

Attachment parenting, then, is about responding to your babies needs as and when they arise. Secure attachments are formed from this consistent parenting style, but this does not mean you need to beat yourself up every time you missed the dirty diaper thinking he was hungry instead, or if you didn’t quite understand that he needed a hug instead of a clean diaper.

Secure attachments come from parents that are consistent in their efforts (even when those efforts are misguided) to meet their children’s’ needs. In fact, we don’t want perfect parents anyway – it is healthy for your little one to tolerate a little bit of frustration, or to be kept waiting just a little bit longer, after all the world not a perfect place.

What we are after here is what Winnicot termed “good-enough” parenting, where you consistently try to, and mostly, meet your child’s needs. Besides, it is responding to the cry or request for attention that is important and this serves to communicate that love and affection discussed above.

As your child grows older and learns to tolerate frustration a bit more, you will find that it is important to set some firm boundaries around how and when you will respond. Two year olds are renowned for their tantrums and these are also often around testing boundaries and exercising their new found independence. A firm and tolerant boundary is needed here, as opposed to giving in to their every whim. So attachment parenting is about responding to your child in the appropriate manner too – we cannot respond to a toddler in the same way as we respond to a new born – their needs are very different, but respond we must. In this sense, the old ideas about leaving baby to “cry it out” or simply ignoring your toddler’s tantrums have been disputed and parents are encouraged to respond.

The attachment parenting model will suggest that it may not be necessary to pick your little one up when he is crying, but by placing a comforting hand upon him and gently soothing him you will be responding in a loving and caring manner. Similarly, ignoring your two year olds tantrum is not the most responsive way – instead consider calmly telling him how he is feeling, empathizing with his emotions and providing a boundary within which he can express himself. By always responding to your child you communicate that you are available to them when needed and convey to them that the world is a safe and predictable place, which serves to increase selfesteem and confidence.

12.4 Play with your Baby, when he is Alert

Playing with your little one is one of the most rewarding things you can do in terms of bonding with your child and fostering a high self-esteem. It is important to be aware of your little one’s different levels of alertness. In this sense, it is always best to play with your baby when he is in an alert state which you will notice when his breathing is slow and regular, his eyes are wide and he is looking around and when he makes eye contact and faces you. Be aware when he turns away, yawns or even hiccups as these are signs that he has had enough and does not wish to play anymore. You will find that you do not need all sorts of expensive toys to play with your baby.

The best type of play is face to face interaction with his parents – he will love looking at your faces, making sense of your expressions, watching you smile and listening to you chat to him. This is where his learning of language pattern and social nuances happen and is incredibly important for your bonding with baby. If you get bored of being in one room, simply take your baby for a walk. In fact a walk around the house serves as a great adventure for a baby who hasn’t learnt to crawl or walk yet. He has the best vantage point from your arms and gets to enjoy the safety of his mother, or father’s embrace. Pointing out the different items and objects you see includes an element of all important ‘chatter’ that your baby needs to learn and grow. Keep watching for those important cues, though, and make sure that you don’t over stimulate your baby too much.



There are five stages of alertness; quiet alert, active alert, crying, drowsy and asleep. When your little one is in a quiet alert state he will be content, awake and looking around. This is a good time to read a book together, or listen to music together. When he starts to kick around a little and you can he is a bit more active you will find his entering into e active alert stage. This is a good time to up the activity level a little bit and go for a walk around the house, or dance to your favorite songs together.

Be careful, however, as this stage often precedes the fussy or crying stage so you want to make sure that you are sensitive to your baby’s cues – if he fusses, turns away or yawns you will know he has had enough play time. When a baby enters the crying stage it may very well be because we have missed the important cues and he has been overstimulated.

He might also be crying because he is distressed, hungry, has a wet diaper, or simply wants a different position. Crying is your baby’s only way of indicating that something is wrong. It is best to investigate all the potential reasons for the crying before assuming that he has had enough play time and wants to rest. If he is overstimulated you will find it easy to sooth him by rocking his gently, patting him, cuddling him and giving him some comforting words, or even singing a favorite lullaby. These will all help you to calm your baby down and, perhaps, even help him enter the drowsy stage. We want our baby’s to be drowsy before we put them down for a nap and you will notice this stage by the slow blinking of his eyes, or his far away gaze. This is the stage just before sleeping and is not a good time for play.

Listening to your baby’s cues is an important part of building attachment and understanding what your baby needs. The more you are able to meet his needs in this way, the more you will be contributing to his sense of self-esteem and confidence.

12.5 Music - Sing songs

Music soothes the soul and your baby will enjoy music just as much if you make it part of your time together. The use of a familiar lullaby works wonders in soothing and calming your little one when he is distressed and can form part of his bedtime routine to signal that it is sleep time. On the other hand, singing fun action filled songs together can also be a great way to have fun with your baby. Singing songs like “the Grand Old Duke of York” and marching around the living room will let your baby experience rhythm and movement from the safety of your arms. Singing songs like “Itsy Bitsy Spider” and using the finger movements will help him integrate sounds with motor actions. Later when he is a little older you could teach him the actions and help develop his fine motor skills. In general songs help teach your baby rhythm, rhyme and language pattern



If you don’t fancy yourself to be the next Nina Simone, or Frank Sinatra, then you could always put on a CD with classic children’s music, or even the latest rock album if you prefer. Let your baby beat a drum in time to the music, or use any music instruments to make a game of it. You don’t need to go out and buy the most expensive drum kit either. Simply make use of the bottom of a formula tin and a wooden spoon to make a drum, or clash two pot lids together to make a cymbal. You could put rice in a plastic container to make a shaker, or use a fork on the bottom of a colander to make an interesting sound. It’s a great idea to store your instruments in a special box that you only take out during ‘music time’ – this way your baby learns to anticipate and look forward to this special time with you.

12.6 Bath Time

Many parents are afraid to bath their baby for the first time, worrying that he won’t enjoy the water. This couldn’t be further from the truth. In fact, your baby is bound to love bath time especially when you take into consideration that he has spent the better half of his young life in a water environment! As such, bath time is a fantastic time to play with and stimulate your baby in a fun and relaxed atmosphere. Making sure that you don’t let water enter his ears, you could lay him down in the bath and trickle water onto his tummy and legs. It is really important to ensure that you don’t splash his face too much as he might get a fright and feel scared. Watch your baby’s cues and make sure to take him out when he has had enough as you don’t want him to have any negative associations with bath time.



While your baby is calm and alert, this is a super time to give your little one a light massage by using the soap as lubrication. Once the washing is over, you can also show his how to kick and splash the water making sure that you praise him when he does this on his own. You could use bubble bath and blow bubbles, or make funny beards with the bubbles showing him how to transform your face with a bubble beard. You could teach him how certain things float; while others sink and you could ‘drown’ a sponge and then squeeze all the water out, making it float again! The ideas for fun are endless. Bath time is also a super time to introduce squeaky toys that squirt water and the number of bath time toys available is endless.

The important thing to remember is to keep it fun and light hearted ensuring that your little one gains confidence in the water and confidence in his learning. Make sure you watch the bath were temperature as you don’t want your baby’s body temperature to drop too much. When it looks like he may get cold, take him out and wrap him in a hooded towel to change him in a heated room of necessary.

12.7 Make meals and rest times positive.

Feeding time can be a potentially anxiety provoking time when your little graduates from milk to solids. It is a time that can be fraught with frustration when it looks like your baby is a fussy eater and prefers to throw everything on the floor rather than into his mouth. Keeping meal times a positive time can go a long way in maintaining your sanity as well as encouraging your little one to eat. A meal time battle will inevitably lead to more negative association with feeding time and you could land up in a vicious cycle where every mealtime becomes a war zone.

Here are some important tips to help you keep positive during this time and make it into a fun experience for you both. The first step is to take a deep breath and embrace the fact that eating is messy. Perhaps lay a plastic cloth underneath your baby’s high chair to make cleaning up later easier.



Once you have come to terms with the fact that at least half the food will land up on the floor or on your baby you will be able to relax into the experience and let him learn through eating. Allow him to use a spoon and praise him each time he makes an attempt, despite how messy the attempt may be. You could use this time to name the foods he is eating, or even categorize them into different colors. You could make stacks of steamed carrots and stacks of peas pointing out how one is orange and one is green.

Allowing him to grab some food will bring endless enjoyment as your baby explores the various textures of food before propping it into his mouth. Remaining positive and praising his attempts will ensure that you wire positive associations around eating and will lead to a happier and less fussy eater in the long run. Allowing your baby some independence and opportunity to explore will also foster greater selfesteem and confidence.

Rest times are another potentially difficult time for baby and ensuring that you cultivate a positive sleep space will go a long way in reducing the frustration for both you and baby. Before you put your baby to bed at night, it is really important to have a good and positive sleep routine. This commonly includes bath time and then taking your baby to his room where you change him into his pajamas and then sit together in a dimly lit room while he drinks his last bottle of the day and you read a story or sing his favorite lullaby.




Make sure that there is no extra stimulation or bright lights as you want to calm your baby into a drowsy state ready for sleeping. It is always best to try putting your baby down while he is drowsy but not yet asleep. Falling asleep is an important skill that he needs to learn and by giving him the opportunity to succeed at this early on, you will not only make your own life easier, but also foster a sense of confidence in your child.

12.8 Use the diaper time

Making use of diaper time is a valuable time for you to communicate love and care to your baby and promote your baby’s positive feelings of having a lovable body. In the beginning stages you will be changing your baby’s diaper up to 10 times a day. As he gets older, this will reduce, but he will also be more alert and it is a great time to have some face to face interaction with your little one.



Just before changing his diaper, you could use gentle touch to tickle his tummy, arms and legs promoting positive feelings and confidence in himself. Research has shown that babies who were touched often had increased development as opposed to babies who were not touched often and had brains that were below the average size for their age. So touching your baby is an important part of his development.

Diaper time is also a great time to stimulate your little one. You can achieve lengthy moments of eye contact when standing in front of your baby and you could easily coax a few smiles out by pulling funny faces, or simply having a good old chat with him. Placing some high contrast patterns around the changing table will also stimulate your baby’s developing sight and, later on, you may want to pin up some photos of family members for your baby to get acquainted with. This is an especially nice idea if you have family living far away that your baby doesn’t see very often.

Essentially, diaper time happens frequently and there is no reason why you shouldn’t make use of it as a time to bond with and stimulate your baby.

12.9 Provide clear responses to your baby's actions

Living in a predictable environment is comforting to children. A place where anything can happen at any time is quite distressing and chaotic, so consistent parenting is a really important factor in raising bright, confident and happy children. What does “consistent parenting” mean? This means that you respond to your child in a predictable, reassuring and appropriate way consistently. That the expectations you have of your child do not change from one day to the next and that the rules are not broken one day and enforced another. It means that the responses you have when your child makes a mistake, or breaks a rule, is the same from one day to the next and the way you respond to achievements is also consistent and appropriate. Consistent parenting not only makes their world predictable, but also less confusing, which allows children to be free from worry about what might happen and teaches confidence and accountability for their actions.

In fact the studies show that children with consistent parents experience less anxiety know they can depend on and trust their parents to meet their needs. They are able to follow routines and enjoy a healthier and more peaceful lifestyle. Children with consistent parents also tend to be more responsible as they always know what their parents expect from them and know that there are consequences for their behavior – both good and bad. Interestingly, these children are also less likely to ‘push limits’ and generally have better behavior than children who come from chaotic families. Children with consistent parents are also more confident and have less tantrums and arguments. Self-esteem is positively influenced through consistent parenting as the child never has to ‘guess’ about their parent’s reactions.



It is fairly simple to adopt a consistent parenting style by making sure that the rules and consequences you set in place are adhered to and enforced regularly, rather than ‘letting it slide’. It is really important that there are not too many rules either, as this makes it difficult to enforce and stick to and can often be quite overwhelming for the entire family. It is very useful to have a reward system, or star chart to which you can all refer and that can help you stay on track regarding the rules and positively rewarding your kids. Furthermore, it is not always possible for both parents to agree upon every rule and boundary, but consistent parenting also means forming a “united front”, so try to have these conversations alone so that when you are setting limits you do so together.

Last, but not least, it is really important to remember that each child is unique, even siblings within the same family differ, and it is imperative that you keep your child’s unique temperament and needs in mind when parenting. In this sense, a sensitive child may not need much admonishment, while his sibling may be stubborn and need much firmer boundaries. Adjust your parenting and responsive style according to your child’s personality and needs and you will be far more effective in your plight.

12.10 Build trust by being attentive and focused.

As we become parents most of us pride ourselves in our new found ability to multitask like never before. We find ourselves aware of and thinking about what feels like a million things at once, all the while focusing (or at least trying to) on our little one while he babbles away. In this day and age you will find 9 out of 10 moms walking around with their Blackberry or iPhone in hand, checking emails, responding to messages, even browsing Facebook while they are supposedly ‘playing’ with their kids. It’s understandable that this happens with the new demands on working mothers and the need to bring in a second income, but it detracts not only from the attachment connection with your child, but also from their self-esteem and confidence. If we don’t listen, and I mean really listen, to what our children have to say they will land up feeling unimportant, ignored, devalued and unworthy.

Engaging attentively with our children requires some skill and practice, but it is not a difficult task. Simply try to engage in at least one meaningful conversation per day – it may be before dinner, at bed time, or when you get up in the morning. It really doesn’t matter when, it just matters that you do. Don’t try to steer the conversation either, just let your little one have him say about whatever he wishes to share with you that day. Make sure that the time you are dedicating to that conversation is uninterrupted and engaging. Put the cellphone away, turn off the television and just pay 100% attention to your child – you will be astounded at all the things he has to tell you when he feels you are truly listening.



Try to avoid any nonverbal behavior that indicates you are not present, such as crossing arms or looking away. Behave the way you want people to behave when they are interested in your conversation and try not to talk at your child, but rather with him. If you have a younger child at the pre-verbal stage, you could rather engage in a focused play time with him, or read a book together. Again, it doesn’t really matter what activity you do, as long as that phone is away and you are paying him all your attention. Even babies notice when their parents aren’t emotionally or mentally available.

Being attentive means showing interest so when your child wants to show you something, or when your baby points at something to be sure to have a look and respond with affirmation. Sharing attention and sharing interest confirms for your child just how important he is to you and encourages him to explore more and share more with you. Not only do you communicate interest in your child, but you also model focused and attentive behavior for your child. In other words, your child learns how to be attentive and focused himself simply by watching what you do and how you behave. He learns how to truly listen to other people and how to be interested in what others say and do. Your attentive and focused parenting style models behavior for your child in such a way to facilitate the development of confident social skills and self-esteem.

12.11 Match your tempo to your child's temperament

All children are different, even siblings within the same family differ vastly in terms of temperament and personality. As such it is impossible to simply follow generic style of parenting and apply this to all children. While one child may be socially outgoing and full of smiles, another may be shy and quiet, preferring to watch and listen than engage with strangers. Your child may be loud and impulsive, while another may be gentle and sensitive. Depending on temperament and personality, children adjust to situations in differing ways and it is important to adjust our parenting styles to meet their needs. So, for example, if you have a quiet and shy child, rather go with the flow and gently encourage him to engage where he feels comfortable rather than forcing him into a foreign and potentially frightening situation. Remember that the more your child succeeds and sees he can do it, the more self-confidence he will acquire. In the same way, a child who is impulsive and full of energy may need you to assist him in engaging with the world in a safe way while teaching him self-control.



Feisty, active children may need encouragement to help calm themselves when needed and will and opportunities to expend their energy in rough and active gross motor activities. Whereas cautious or slow-to-warm children will need predictable environments and more routine and perhaps need encouragement from a parent to venture out and engage with others.

Matching your tempo to your child’s temperament is a vital part in ensuring that there is a ‘goodness of fit” between you. Sometimes it is necessary for parents to explore their own temperaments in order to know how to adapt to their child’s needs. A parent who really enjoys loud music and is very energetic might find it hard to adapt to a quiet and sensitive child who prefers to be alone. In this sense, by being aware of your differences in temperament you will be able to adapt easier to your child’s needs and remember by meeting your child’s needs effectively you encourage healthy emotional and mental development.

12.12 Help your baby to gain confidence.

The tips provided in this chapter all assist you in promoting self confidence in your child. Essentially by providing your little one with attention that communicates love and respect, you will teach him self-esteem. When you provide him with opportunities to learn and succeed, you increase his confidence in his ability and himself. When parents provide their children with supportive learning environments they communicate a belief in their child’s capability and, in turn, foster self confidence in that child.

So while the temptation is strong to step in and help your little one hold the spoon, or to pick up the toy it is important to offer him the chance to do it for himself. You will find that with a little encouragement and support, he will soon get the hang of it and feel ever so proud of himself for accomplishing it.

In this sense, there are so many little tasks that your baby needs to learn. Falling asleep is just one example and we often take this ability for granted not realizing that it is something that is learnt from an early stage. As a result you need to let your little one figure out how to soothe by himself and fall asleep. Remember that babies thrive when they succeed so the idea is not to just leave him to figure it out alone, chances are he won’t. But with a little nudge from you with a pat or a lullaby you help him achieve this and increase his chances for success in the future. By gently removing his dependence on you, you encourage him to learn to fall asleep on his own and before you know it you won’t need to sing that lullaby every night.



Crawling and learning to walk are further examples where your baby may need a helping hand to master the task and gain confidence. But be sure not to jump in and do it for them. In this sense, encourage crawling by placing interesting objects around your baby and offering him the opportunity to reach out and get them. If he seems distressed at not getting there, give him a gentle hand in the right direction so that he succeeds.

Remember that you need to make the task manageable for him so that he gets a sense of accomplishment rather than failure. After all, it is in the achievement that he builds his self-confidence. When learning to pull him up and stand, you may want to give him enough support that he feels as if he is doing it himself. Later you can remove the support when he has figured out how to do it himself. Babies will only get frustrated and stop trying if they don’t succeed at a task, so only encourage certain tasks at the right developmental age. In this way you will provide appropriate learning opportunities and promote success and self-confidence.

12.13 Expressing Joy and Interest in your Baby

All children thrive on the attention and praise from their parents. In this sense you will encourage your little one to try new things and take on new tasks by expressing clear interest and joy in their activities. Watching your little one as he takes a few steps and then letting your body language communicate your joy through clapping and smiling will help him feel validated and loved. Being actively interested in his babbling, keeping eye contact with him and being attentive is important to his developing self-esteem.



At this stage your nonverbal communication is far more important than your verbal communication as your baby cannot understand your words. If your tone of voice or the look you have on your face is disapproving he will be able to pick up on it and feel negatively. So watch what you do more than what you say and, while that doesn’t mean you have to go overboard with the positive praise, it does mean that you need to respond to your baby with careful respect and attentiveness. As mentioned above, make time where you communicate meaningfully with your little one instead of half-heartedly while sending text messages or emails – he can pick up on your non-verbal cues and you are communicating disinterest when you busy yourself with other things when he wants your attention. Watch his activities closely and let yourself free when you cheer him on, clap in approval and whistle with pride. The more you show interest and delight in your baby’s achievements the more you communicate that his accomplishments are important to you.

12.14 Set up a safe environment for your crawling baby or toddler.

Around 8 to 10 months your baby will begin crawling and start walking between 10 and 15 months. Bear in mind that all children differ in terms of development and that this is merely a guideline. At this time spatial learning becomes of paramount importance as he begins to understand concepts such as going under, or over, going near or far. As he becomes more mobile and moves around, he will also begin forming mental maps of the landscape, recognizing familiar environments and exploring new ones.

At this stage you really want to encourage exploration and curiosity about his environment, but you will only be able to do so if you are sure your baby is safe while he does so. Ensuring that your home is safe for your mobile baby is vital to your own sanity and your baby’s safety.



The first thing you need to keep in mind is that your baby will now want to explore all those areas that were previously inaccessible due to his immobility. Your baby will now want to explore all those cupboards that he saw you open and take things out of. Your baby will now want to explore all those strange cables behind the television unit and the laptop. Inside the washing machine, dish washer and tumble dryer – why! The possibilities for exploration are endless!

● You need to ensure that cupboards within reach of your baby are stocked with safe items (move out the cleaning detergents, glass ware and any potentially hazardous crockery), or latched securely so he can’t open them.

● Make sure that electrical cables and plug points are stowed away and out of reach.

● A particularly problematic area is stairs and they need to be gated or cordoned off as a fall down the stairs can lead to serious injuries.

● Make sure that windows are securely latched, especially if they are not on the ground floor and ensure that glass sliding doors and big windows have stickers on them to indicate that they are closed. There is nothing more painful than running into a glass door!

● Make sure that you have grates in front of fire places and heaters to avoid burns when they are on.

● Make sure that smaller furniture items such as bookshelves are secured to the wall so they do not fall over when little hands are pulling at them.

● Furthermore, pad sharp corners on furniture as sharp corners on coffee tables and book shelves are potentially damaging when a little one loses their balance. A great way of viewing the possible dangers to your child is by getting on your own hands and knees and taking a crawl through your home. Seeing things from your baby’s height will give you a new perspective and help you see those potential problems that need solving.

● Lastly, ensure that you have a fully stocked first aid kit available in your home in case anything goes wrong.

Essentially, when you are assured that your baby is safe while exploring his world you will be more inclined to let him go. Encouraging exploration and learning teaches your child self-confidence so it really is imperative that you create a safe environment for your baby and toddler to move around in.

12.15 Teach Limits!

As your baby grows older and reaches toddlerhood (particularly those ‘terrible twos’) he will want to gain more independence and, in so doing, he will repeatedly test the boundaries as well as your resolve and patience. Tantrums at the age of two (and even younger) are common and a very normal part of your child’s development. It is absolutely essential that you teach your child limits from an early age.

Setting boundaries that are consistently adhered to teaches your child how to control his own impulses (such as grabbing for that sweet) in favor of a more desirable outcome (your praise and approval). In so doing he learns self-discipline. Ensuring that there are clear limits and boundaries means that everyone in the family knows what is expected of them.

These sorts of boundaries teach children patience, resourcefulness, impulse control and good problem solving skills. But you need to be really clear about the limits you are setting and make sure that you lead by example. Children tend to follow their parents behavior so make sure that you model the kind of behavior you would like to see from your children.

The idea is to set out a few clear, reasonable and achievable rules for your child. Your boundaries need to be well thought out and clearly explained. Don’t be afraid to renegotiate the limits that you set as rules that apply to a two year old may not be entirely applicable to your five year old. In this sense, be prepared to change and adapt as necessary without bending the rules and being inconsistent.



It is always useful to enlist your children (where appropriate) to help you think of consequences to breaking the rules. In this way they become part of the limit setting and are far more likely to understand what is happening when consequences arise. Once you have decided on a limit, make sure that you discuss this clearly and in an understandable way with your child. Two year olds will need more simplified explanations than five year olds, but they will need an explanation nonetheless.

For example, if you have decided that you don’t want your little one running up and down stairs then explain the rule, the reason and the consequence clearly. In this example you might say that he shouldn’t run up and down the stairs because it is dangerous and you don’t want him to hurt himself. If you catch him doing it then he won’t be allowed to go play outside. This way you give your child the opportunity to understand the reasoning behind the rule and to know, beforehand, what the consequence will be to breaking the rule. The next step is to ensure that you consistently (remember consistent parenting) enforce the consequence when necessary.

Parents are often afraid of setting rules in stone and enforcing them ‘sternly’. They are afraid of upsetting their children, or taking away the “fun”. The truth is that boundaries and rules that are consistently adhered to make children feel more secure and safe. It teaches them that the world is predictable and that you have clear expectations of him. He will soon start to live up to those expectations as long as you remain clear and consistent, ensuring that you communicate trust in his ability to do the right thing.

12.16 Use positive discipline.

As we know, toddlers are beginning to experiment with their independence and the power they have over their world and this means being defiant. It means that their tenaciousness is also obstinate, their excitement with the world is also impulsive and often dangerous, and it means that their explorative nature gets them into trouble. All this translates into a huge challenge for parents, especially as the limits that you set are bound to be tested and defied.

Positive discipline and positive parenting starts with consistence as discussed before, but also includes guiding your child rather than punishing them. In this sense, remembering that you want to create situations in which your little one can succeed, it is a good idea to pre-empt difficult situations and avoid them. So, for example, don’t drag your three year old to the stare when it is actually time for his nap. He will be grumpy and fussy and you may very well land up with a tantrum on your hands.

The next tip to successful and positive parenting is to ensure that your toddler understands the rules you have created. Think like a toddler and make your expectations simple and concise rather than drawn out and involved. Allowing your three year old the chance to make a decision or two will also go a long way helping them follow the rules. So, for example, if he really doesn’t want to go to bed, you could ask him if he would like to take a book to bed, or if he would prefer to take his teddy to bed with him. This way you are allowing him that independence he is fighting so hard for while at the same time ensuring that the rules are followed (consistent bed time). Offering your child an alternate choice to the behavior is also a great idea and allows them to see a more favorable course of action. An example here would be “no running lets walk safely”. Not only does this provide your child with an alternate choice, but also gives you the chance to model the desired behavior. And remember that you need to take the lead in showing your little one what you expect of him.



Often the art of distraction is the greatest way of changing the behavior. Leaving the chocolate lying on the table and telling your child he may not touch it is too much temptation for that little being. He desires instant gratification and simply cannot stand it so he will, inevitably reach for it. A more effective stance in such an instance would be to say “no chocolate” and then remove it from his sight, or distract him with another activity.

Using time outs are a valuable way of giving your child some ‘chill out’ time, but sending your toddler to a timeout corner can be confusing to him and children under the age of three simply don’t understand this. However, he may need time to calm down, so sitting with him in a ‘calm down’ corner or area would be more helpful and give him the opportunity to get some down time.

When you want to discipline your toddler make sure that you do so without shaming or frightening him. It is important to deal with difficult situations tenderly so that you still communicate acceptance and love for your child – this will ensure a healthy selfesteem. If he is behaving in a way that it inappropriate, such as hitting another child, for example, make sure you get right down to his eye level and talk in a serious tone of voice. Make sure that you clearly state the rule in simple and understandable terms. Make sure that you are targeting the behavior and not the child. Again, you want to communicate acceptance of your little one, will pointing out that his behavior is unacceptable. Saying things like “you are naughty” targets your child’s personality rather than his behavior. So you would rather say something like “hitting Suzy is naughty because you are hurting her”. Rather show him your dollhouse.

Setting these limits and using positive discipline consistently helps your child feel safe and secure. When you discipline your child positively, without shaming or ridiculing him, you actually bolster his confidence when he knows you are looking out for him. Always enlist his help setting the limits and enforcing the consequences. You might even pretend to forget what the consequence was, allowing him to remind you and allowing him to properly grasp the idea of consequences for behavior.

12.17 Model empathic feelings for others.

Empathy is a learned quality that has shown to improve children’s IQ as well as their own self-esteem and confidence. In fact, studies show that empathic children scored higher on tests than those that were not able to empathize with others. As such it is an important quality to teach your children. Just how do parents teach their kids empathy? Remember that parents lead the way in terms of learning and, as such, you become the model for your little one. If you can respond empathically to him, he will learn to respond empathically to others. There are many situations that you could use to teach empathy.




When you see someone is upset you could help your child learn about feelings by saying “that lady is crying and she feels very sad. I wonder what could have made her sad?” and allow your little one to brainstorm ideas with you. By thinking about what made the lady sad, your toddler begins to empathize and understand that other people have feelings too. Of course, the reasons he will give you will be understandable to him and mostly concrete like; “She dropped her ice cream”. And this is fine, in fact it is better to use examples that your toddler can relate to as this heightens the empathic response.

When your toddler is throwing a tantrum, one of the most effective ways of responding is to do so empathically. Tantrums are normally about frustration and delayed gratification. At this point your child does not have all the language and abstract concepts to always make sense of what he is feeling. So a tantrum often escalates with a mess of emotion that he cannot make sense of. Ignoring him or laughing at him only exacerbates the problem. In these moments you have a ripe opportunity to model empathy and contain the tantrum. Providing your toddler with the words for what he is feeling often has a calming effect as he can begin to make sense of what he is experiencing. So, saying something like “I can see you are very angry right now. It is frustrating when you are not allowed to play outside. You get sad and mad at me and that is ok”. This tells your little one that he is having feelings, what they are called and that it is completely normal and ok to feel that way. You don’t reject him, or shame him for expressing himself so you are still communicating acceptance and you are modeling an empathic response for him.

Remember that childhood development is all about wiring the brain with the appropriate connections through experience. So the more opportunity you give your child to wire in empathic responses, the more these connections will be made. It stands to reason that you will then have an emotionally intelligent child who has healthy self-esteem and confidence. The more brain connections you create for empathic responses and gentle courtesies, the more these brain circuits will be wired in. This helps not only with language and cognitive learning, but with positive emotional skills, too!

12.18 Celebrate the positive.

We all like to be praised for our accomplishments and tend to try harder, do better and enjoy ourselves more when there is someone around encouraging us. Our children are no different. Your little one loves it when you cheer him along, clap hands when he gets it right and whistle when he has tried hard. It is really important that you pay attention and really try to validate your child’s successes as well as efforts.

Acknowledging him goes a long way in terms of building that all important selfesteem. You don’t always have to praise your child directly, either. Simply acknowledging him while he is in earshot is another way of encouraging the positives. For example you might tell his dad “Sam cleaned up his room all by himself today” and let dad turn around and show him how proud he is of his son. It is far more effective to praise specifically rather than generally, so instead of just saying “well done”, you could rather say “you did a great job of cleaning up”. This will enhance your child’s self-esteem and reinforce the behavior for future.



Celebrating the positive is also a great form of discipline and is effective in encouraging the type of behavior that you want to see in your child. Positive reinforcement is a specific technique used to modify your child’s behavior by reinforcing the positive behavior as opposed to punishing unwanted behavior. It is, therefore, a form of positive discipline and involves celebrating the positive. Because this form of discipline does not use shame, ridicule or criticism, it is more likely to contribute to your child’s healthy self-esteem and confidence.

Basically, positive reinforcement involves providing a reward for a good and desired behavior. For instance, you would provide a reward (such as a treat) when your toddler eats all his peas, which is the desired outcome. If he does not eat all the peas, he simply doesn’t get the treat. The most useful way of implementing this technique is through the use of star charts that can keep track of the desired behaviors and give you a visible area where you can reward your child. Each time he does something that you are happy with; he gets rewarded and cheered on. By simply ignoring and not paying attention to unwanted behavior and only rewarding and encouraging positive behavior, you are able to gently modify your child’s behavior while increasing their self-confidence and self-esteem.

12.19 Support healthy risks.

ithout a risk, there can be no opportunity for success. It is so important to encourage your child to try new things. Trying new things also generates a sense of curiosity about the world and a sense of self confidence. In terms of fostering positive self-esteem, it is a good idea to encourage activities that involve cooperation as opposed to competition, although healthy competition is not necessarily a bad thing every now and then. I

n this sense you might want to get your little one involved in a volunteer program or a team building activity that promotes working together and acknowledging each other’s abilities. Taking risks might include getting your child to taste a different food, talk to a new friend, or try a new activity such as roller-skating..

Your child needs your support when they venture into new territory and need to know that trying new things and exploring their world is safe. It is only through doing this that they will master developmental tasks and gain self-confidence. This means allowing your child to venture forth without you interfering too much. Try not to jump in with assistance when he shows a little frustration at solving the problem. When you jump in to rescue him prematurely you communicate that he cannot do this alone, you foster dependence and negatively affect his self-confidence.Your child needs your support when they venture into new territory and need to know that trying new things and exploring their world is safe. It is only through doing this that they will master developmental tasks and gain self-confidence. This means allowing your child to venture forth without you interfering too much. Try not to jump in with assistance when he shows a little frustration at solving the problem. When you jump in to rescue him prematurely you communicate that he cannot do this alone, you foster dependence and negatively affect his self-confidence.



It may feel as if it goes against your very fiber to let your child do something that feels as if it will end in failure. After all, we only want success for our children. But it is imperative that we provide our children with opportunities to challenge themselves and succeed – this is the stuff self-confidence is made of. And even a small failure is an opportunity for growth as long as your little one knows you are there to support him and see him try again. In many ways this means praising the effort and not only the achievement. Praising only the achievement may lead to a child who is afraid to try lest he fail. We want our children to know that the effort they put in is just as important as the achievement itself. When your child knows you support him and that the effort is important, he will be more likely to try again – giving him self-esteem to continue taking risks.

12.20 Let mistakes happen.

When we encourage independence, exploration and risk taking, we also have to allow inevitable mistakes to happen. Making mistakes is a natural part of learning – we learn from our own mistakes after all. So this is an essential part of growing up and gaining confidence. The way in which parents react to the mistakes their children make also depicts the way in which their children learn in the future, as well as their self-esteem.



Remember that when we want to foster healthy self-esteem we need to do so with unconditional love that says “I love you, even when you make mistakes”. It is really important to handle mistakes sensitively. Again, remember that you want to target the behavior and not the child. So if your daughter lost her sweater because she forgot to put it in her school bag try not to say “you are so forgetful”. Rather say “when you forget to put things in your bag it makes it easy to lose them”. Encourage her to think about what she could do differently in the future to avoid the mistake happening again. In this way you build self-esteem and teach her that mistakes are also learning opportunities to do things better next time. As discussed, parents teach valuable lessons and behavior by modeling it themselves, so it is also important to own up when you make a mistake yourself. Admit it, say what you could do differently next time and recover from the mistake positively. This communicates that everyone makes mistakes and we all have our own difficulties – making it easier for your child to accept his.

Other strategies to help boost your child's Emotional Intelligence, Self-Esteem and IQ

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